Cold Sand

My inpatient stay started with an attempt to visit the beach for some cold sand. Let me explain. Before I had my daughter, her dad encouraged me to get to the beach often and whenever I wanted. So I was reverting back to another life in this attempt and knowing I’d have a place to stay with friends that still live down there, I took off. I was also paying attention to God’s signals. I can’t remember the exact combination but I thought God was telling me to get to the beach.

I also thought I was dying so. maybe if I had made it I would have met God or gone home to him but in my mind I was simply exercising my freedoms as an American Christian citizen. I had done it before and I was ready to go again. The weird part was the music and how entrenched I was in the beautiful classical music coming through on my radio.

I got stopped at a gas station in Kentucky and I needed to get gas but for some reason my card stopped working. No one inside would help me and instead they called the cops on me for ‘acting weird’. Pretty sure the only crime I comitted was listening to music too long at a pump while trying to figure out how to get gas.

I passed the arrest test- listening to the cue intently. Knees weak and legs shaking I just did what they said. I still don’t konw what seemed so weird and off other than the fact that I was trying to make a long drive and i hadn’t really planned it out. We used to never plan it out before. In fact, I drove from Gulf Shores, AL to Madison, WI by myself before and back again. That was when I worked the CrossFit Games on the Broadcast Media team in 2017. I stopped in Greenwood for my best friend’s wedding too.

I do think my brain is recovering finally. Maybe that’s why I needed help. I am having a spiritual experience and my brain is fixing itself. I don’t think I should be punished for that though and inpatient definitely feels like a punishment. Plus the stigma which made me lose my job yet again. HIPPA is a lie. I will find new work because I am following the steps and God has it all worked out. I believe that.

This is my story for today. Why I love cold sand. It usually means it’s night time or winter at the beach, which is my favorite two times because there are less people at the beach. Have a great day. -kilah